What’s the best way to break up someone?

HOW you break up with someone has a lasting

impact. If you listen to peoples’ break up stories

you’ll almost always hear about how it was done.

Sometimes the way it happened even becomes the

biggest part of the story: She sent me an email —

to my work address! He changed his Facebook

status and half my friends knew before I did! He

told me in a cafe, so when I started to cry, I felt

so selfconscious. She wrote me a note and then

never replied to any of my messages. If you give

someone a heartbreaking ‘how’ story, you can

make their moving on much slower and your letting

go much harder.

If you want to do a good job of breaking up, first

you need to start with some kind of vision of how

you’d like things to be in the future with your

soon-to-be former love. You probably have an idea

about what this looks like for you.

A few years ago I was sitting on the couch at my

ex-girlfriend Nina’s house on New Year’s Eve.

There we were, with her partner and my teenage

daughter, watching the countdown. We were all

eating some truly dreadful experimental blue

cheese ice cream. I still think my ex is one of the

warmest and most unbelievably funny people I

know, and I could see my daughter thought she

was pretty fabulous too. It was a great way to

ring in the New Year.

That small party was possible because although my

long ago break up with Nina was a sad one, it

wasn’t horrible. Despite the fact that at the time

she’d been eyeing off someone much cooler than

me, and I’d begun to fall in love with my

daughter’s future father, we’d treated each

other pretty well. We were thoughtful, we were

kind and just a little bit brave too.

How you break up with someone can be a loving

act. It really can. You can give the one you loved

the parting gift of letting them go in a way that

both of you can be proud of, and pave the way for

as much peace between you as humanly possible.

So be courageous.

If I can give you one piece of direct advice, then

here it is: if you’re doing the ending, this is the

time to do it their way.

One of the distinctive qualities of good

communicators is their ability to think about and

respond to the needs of other people. In other

words, if you want to communicate better,

especially about the hard stuff, you need to walk

in the shoes of the person you’re talking, writing,

texting or live chatting to.

So see if you can give it a try. Think about your

soon-to-be-ex. What do you know about how they

see the world? What do they find comforting

when they’re hurting? Are they a pull the bandaid

off as quick as possible person, or do they want to

agonise over the whole process? Do they like to

cry alone or with you? What are some of their

safe places? Try to read things from their point

of view rather than interpreting them from yours.

Plan your ending-the-relationship-conversation

like you would breaking bad news to anyone you’ve

loved; make it as clear, safe and comfortable as

you can.

It’s over; I don’t want to be here anymore. This is

what I’m truly sorry for. This is what I plan to do

over the next little while to finalise things

between us, and this is the contact I’d like to

have with you in the future. Thank you for

everything you’ve given me and everything you’ve

taught me.

Once you’ve had that conversation in whatever way

you think your ex-to-be would like best, by email,

text, in person, at home, in the park, by carrier

pigeon, for 15 minutes or two hours, then

whatever happens next is well and truly out of

your hands.

They may move on in time, but they may also

choose to stay sad, hurt, angry or bitter. And if

they do, it’s your job to leave them there

compassionately and to move on to wherever

you’re going on your own. Some people are up to

the challenge of letting go and some are not.

Breaking up with someone, however much it hurts,

is not a crime. There is no appropriate

punishment, compensation or retribution for it.

You don’t owe your ex anything but respect. And

while you do need to bear hearing their feelings,

you don’t have to put up with unacceptable

behaviour. Don’t make your peace and future

happiness dependent on what your ex does or

doesn’t do with your decision. For some people,

that’s just too tempting an opportunity for never

ending punishment.

I know it sounds incredibly dated, but breaking up

well is really just about good manners. And good

manners are about not shirking the chores that

are yours to do, separating what’s painful and

awkward from behaving in painful and awkward

ways and accepting life on life’s terms. So no

shirking! Don’t hide from the hard conversations;

it only drags out the suffering. And good luck

with your break up. I wish you every happiness.

Hope u grab something while reading.